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During the summer months, parenting young children can be draining. The cries of “I’m bored” and “there’s nothing to do” can sound like nails on a chalkboard. But for all the trials the summer brings, the end of summer is bittersweet. All the memories, the shortening days, the realization that the kids are growing up too fast. It seems like yesterday you were in the new parenting class learning how to care for your newborn. Now it’s backpacks and jump drives for the first day of school.

We did a good job of having a schedule during the summer, but as school approaches I realized that we would have to modify our routine, yet again. My kids are getting older and I feel they should be more responsible for themselves. So we made a schedule that guides them through the morning routine.

Our first rule in the morning is that you must be ready for school before you begin playing or messing around.  There is no TV or Video Games before school. If you are ready for school, including breakfast, teeth/hair brushed, lunches packed, backpacks by the door and filled with your work and after school activities bag by the laundry room, you can do whatever you wish. The problem is, something is always missing when the kids start playing.

My concern is how to be respectful and effective when I deal with them. They still need some guidance, but they are old enough to be responsible as well. At what point does my direction become nagging? When is it appropriate to encourage and when do you step back and allow them to leave their binder on the counter or their lunch on the table. I am a fan of logical consequences, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in being a good parent that I give one too many nudges. I often feel guilty that I have told the kids not to call for their lost homework or forgotten lunch money.

It’s hard to separate my feelings of inadequacy from the kids need to experience the world and the consequences it holds. One missed assignment might be the thing that drives home the need to put your homework in your backpack. School lunch of milk and fruit might just create the reminder about the lunchbox so it doesn’t have to be me. It’s such a fine line. Just one more thing to add to the balancing act that is being a mom.

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Ugh!! Bickering kids. It’s my one of my biggest pet peeves. Disrespectful words, the arguing, yelling and cries of “ MOMMMY!!” Now that its summer, my fuse is so short that even the hint of a whine can set me off. I know they get tired of each other, when you live with anyone sometimes you just need a break. But I am at a loss on how to get them to cooperate rather than yell at each other. Sometimes I can’t figure out how to be a respectful and effective parent. When I am respectful, sometimes I feel like I am not all that effective with these bickering matches. They say OK and leave the room to continue with the bickering. When I get angry I feel like I am more effective, but it doesn’t feel very respectful.  They usually stop the behavior, but often they didn’t make a choice to get along. They were forced to.

So what do you do? Well, I must admit that I have learned some skills through online parenting classes. It’s putting them to good use that is the problem. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, I just lose it. But keeping myself under control is the first part of the solution. Kids model their parents’ behavior. When I get angry I am teaching them how to pop a fuse rather than how to control themselves. That contributes greatly to their own squabbles. Next you need to use your words. Don’t we always tell our kids that? But it goes the same for us as parents. “Please stop doing that” is much more effective than “STOP IT!!” Model good behavior. Ask what is happening; give them a chance to speak without being angry and accusatory. This will teach them how to moderate their own discussions. Finally, don’t be the problem solver; suggest ways for them to work it out. Give them the opportunity. If they can’t do it themselves, then it might be time to get involved.

It’s also important to realize that you aren’t a referee. Often times I will simply tell them to work it out. I try only to get involved when the get mean and hurt each other’s feelings or when they are getting physical. We do not hit in our family and I always expect that rule to be followed.

Bickering is a part of growing up. It is how we learn to be in the world, but it is not fun to listen to. Guess I need to give myself a time out when I get too annoyed to control my own behavior. That too, would be modeling good behavior for them.

I made my kids a schedule for summer. Because I work from home, I need time that is uninterrupted to get things done. But I don’t want the kids watching TV or playing video games just to keep them quiet. So they have time for TV in the morning but must turn it off by a certain time. Then I give them a chore to complete. Nothing major but something that helps them contribute. After all, I am not a maid. After chore time is free play. This has to keep them occupied until I finish working. If they can leave me alone to get done, they are rewarded by some kind of outing.

Outings don’t have to be expensive, they just need to get you away from the house so you and your kids don’t go crazy. We visit our local library, go to museums and parks, and swim at the local pool or at the lake. We try to join up with our friends as much as possible as well. This gives all the parents a little social time as well as lets the kids entertain themselves.

Sometimes it just isn’t possible to get out of the house. Then what do you do? Now that my kids are older, I send them outside to play without me in the back yard. They can hunt bugs, play with the hose or just be. Sometimes I help them build a fort or set up a board game for the two of them. We also have crafts and art supplies in abundance. No matter how creative I am, I still get the “I’m Bored!!”

Then it’s time for the big guns. We have a bored bucket in our house. Inside the bored bucket are really fun things like sponges, towels, dusters, scrubbers etc.  When my kids are so bored that they have to come to me, I give them a choice out of the bored bucket. This is a great way to get things done, encourage your kids own creativity and teach them that grown ups can’t always entertain them. I don’t know if this is a good sign or not, but the bored bucket only makes 2 or 3 appearances each summer. Guess they are learning.

My husband and I discussed it and he decided the talk to the ex about this.  She didn’t see anything wrong with the fact that the kids were calling him by his first name.  Finally he simply had to demand. “I am their father and they will call me Dad!” She seemed to get on board until she remarried and there was a step parent.  She made the kids call the new stepfather Dad.  She told them it was because she was having another baby and it would be confusing if they didn’t call him Dad.  Again my husband was really upset.  This time though, we talked about why it was so upsetting. As long as the kids knew that he was their dad, did it matter if they also called the stepfather, Dad?  He decided not to make it big deal.  Eventually it was clear that our older son did not agree, he only called my husband Dad.  But our younger daughter has always called both of her fathers Dad.

The truly annoying thing that when the ex made this “rule” it wasn’t intended to go both ways.  When my husband and I had our first child, my stepdaughter called me Mom in front of her mother.  That woman flew into a rage and yelled and the poor girl that I was not her mom. She tried to explain to her mom that since my son was born she figured she should call me Mom so my baby wouldn’t be confused. Boy was this amusing to watch.  The ex struggled with some kind of excuse about why it was OK to call her husband Dad but not call me Mom. At this point I decided to take the higher road.  When the kids came for their next visit, I told them both that they needed to call me whatever they felt comfortable with.  My new baby would learn to call me Mom no matter what they called me.  I felt it was respectful parenting not to make a big deal out of a title. The kids were what was important, not what they called me.  They still call me Theresa and both my biological children call me mom.  It works for us and they are fine.

Enter Kent. I met him at a club of all places. First thing he did was pull a picture of three kids out of his wallet.  Damn! Kids and he was only in his early 20’s.  That really put me off.  I watched my stepmother stick by my father while he was drinking in the hopes that they would have their own family.  It never happened.  I always vowed that I would not be put in the position of having to choose between my husband and my dream of a family. So he was scratched off the list before I really even got to know him.  Then my roommate and I moved into a house and needed a roommate.

Kent offered to help us move and really loved the house.  He was ready to move in. My roomie and I discussed the weirdness of having kids around but ultimately decided to try it. His kids were great.  They were only there every other weekend so it wasn’t that big of a deal….until Kent and I started acting like more than just friends. It didn’t take long until we were actually dating, although he was still a roommate.  And as time went on we moved out of that house and into a home of our own.  That’s when it became apparent to me that this was a man with a family already.  Every weekend in the fall there was soccer. Every other weekend the kids stayed with us.  They needed food and clean clothes. Kent was more than happy to let me handle these things, but that was all.  He wanted to be in charge of when he saw the kids, what we did and how we did it.  I realized that in order to be with Kent, I had to choose the kids as well.  If I tried to make him choose between me and them, he would choose them.  So I had to start making those kids as important to me as Kent.  I attended all the soccer games; I talked to Kent about the schedule and the plans.  It was hard at first for Kent to let me in but eventually he did and we were able to create quite a little family.  But it really took me, choosing to be a part of the family that created the opening for us to move the relationship forward.  You can choose who you marry, but it’s rare that you can choose your family as well.

So, are you rolling your eyes and thinking “yeah right”? Really I’m serious. I had a good time when my kids were teens.  The first reason is that teenagers keep you in touch with pop culture. Music, TV and movies are directly marketed to certain age groups.  You can miss out on a lot if you don’t have a reason to listen or watch.  I was able to maintain my college love of rock music by introducing my stepson to my favorite bands.  He did me the same favor and we even went to a couple concerts together. My stepdaughter introduced me to the Twilight book series.  A wonderful read, but I never would have picked it up without her encouragement.

And then there is the social aspect.  My kids’ friends always wanted to come to our house. We got to know them and they got to know us.  We had some wonderful game nights with them. And you know what, they were actually very respectful.  My stepson was an Emo kid.  You know the type: long dyed hair, piercings, and skinny jeans.  These kids look kind of scary.  But in truth, they were a kick in the pants.  We let the band practice in our garage and had a special snack shelf for them in the pantry. To some this might have been a hassle, but to us, it was great.  We knew all the kids, they were at our house where we could supervise them, and we got the benefit of socializing with them.

Once the kids got older, they started doing their own things.  College, work, trips. We don’t see them as often and it is a little lonely.  But we have our two little ones, only 6 and 8.  So those days will be here again.  Already my little girl is sharing music with me (Ke$ha anyone?) and my son is reading books that I like as well (another Lord of the Rings fan is born!).  I am excited to keep this tiny bit of youth flowing into my consciousness for a little longer.  Teens, they’ll drive you crazy, but they will keep you young.

Several studies have looked into this issue.  The results, while mixed, definitely show a trend.  The first findings noted that parents who wanted help with their parenting style showed substantially more positive results from their classes.  Parents who had no interest in help showed some positive results, but not on the level of those seeking help. The study concluded that this had to do with the angry and resentful feelings the parents forced to enroll brought into their class.  Class facilitators were encouraged to deal with these feelings in an appropriate but direct way in order to reach the parents and get them involved in the class.

Additional studies showed that even when parents were not enthusiastic about the classes, children still benefited.  Reports of abuse and neglect were reduced in families where parents attended a parenting course. Home visits confirmed that parents were spending more time with their children and having more discussions about the family rules and expectations.  All these results create a better home environment for the children.  It has been shown that those individuals who are the most disturbed later in life had a difficult childhood.

So it seems that parents can really benefit from taking some kind of class.  Perhaps we should encourage young parents to reach out and ask for help, before things get out of hand. Parenting is such an individual experience.  Most people rely almost exclusively on their own experiences as children in deciding how they will parent.  Many may not realize there is another way.  Perhaps parenting classes should be marketed the way Lamaze or birthing classes are offered to expecting parents.  At least then there might be more interest and enrollment will certainly follow. This really would benefit not just those parents and their families, but society at large as well.

Well, my son turned out to be both everything I’d dreamed and everything I was afraid of.  He’s smart, funny, clever, handsome, obnoxious, defiant and mischievous.  As much as we connect, we butt heads just as often.  His energetic behavior began to be a problem in first grade.  The teacher often sent home notes that he was disruptive or that he had poor impulse control.  It wasn’t unexpected, but I felt my son wasn’t really that much more over the top than the other boys.  Shoving in line?  They’re six.  Come on.  He was super smart and passed all the district assessments with 95% or higher.  Was he bored?  Was the teacher too sensitive?  This seemed likely as she was a third grade teacher who moved into a first grade classroom after only 6 weeks of school.  But I didn’t want to be “that parent” who never believes it is their child’s bad behavior that is causing issues at school.

After a tumultuous year, I was relieved to have him move on to Second Grade.  What a difference.  My son, who had behavior reports sent home weekly, was NOT a problem.  In the spring of that year, he even won his first citizenship award for good behavior!  Now, I know my son, and while his behavior was improving at school, he was pretty much maintaining the bar at home.  So why this change?  As I suspected in first grade, it had everything to do with the teacher.  Mary was wonderful at getting my son to cooperate.  Instead of punishing him for his inquisitive and disruptive nature, she harnessed that energy and allowed him to use it in a positive manner.  Instead of a yellow card for disrupting, she put him in charge of monitoring the class when they had group sessions.  It was his job to notice poor behavior and let her know. As a result, he became more focused on his own behavior as well.  Instead of letting him sit idle when his work was finished, she asked him to be a mentor and help his neighbors who were having trouble with the assignment.  I couldn’t believe the difference in my son’s attitude in the classroom and at school as a whole. It was such a simple thing to do; re-directing his energy into something positive.

It takes a dedicated teacher to think outside of the box to improve behavior rather than responding negatively to the child.  As his behavior improved, we discussed her thoughts and how we could continue this transition at home.  It felt great as a parent to feel like I had a partner in helping my son learn some self control.  Now, my son is still very much a boy who is loud and obnoxious.  But it is easier now to see how those qualities can actually be positive.  Boisterous and energetic sound so much better, don’t they?

My husband is divorced.  I married not only him, but the kids and his ex-wife as well. We’ve been blessed with a wonderful set of kids, and added a few more to our side.  Things were going really well until my step kids entered their teen years.  The kids got busier and wanted to do things outside the family. It became harder to justify that they stay home with us when they wanted to sleep over at a friend’s house, or go to a school function. And we had to decide about curfews and rules for going out.

The problems began when my stepson started to act out.  He rarely raised his voice in our home, but the ex-wife was having huge issues with him.  And then it happened, the call I had been dreading.  “He’s on restriction and you have to keep him home when he comes to your house!”   I felt a bit miffed.  We only saw the kids on 8 days in a month.  Why should she tell us what to do?  My husband was of the attitude that we ignore the request.  I was inclined to agree, but what if it was our punishment.  Would I expect the same courtesy from her?  Would she give it? My husband and I had to discuss it more.

We came to the conclusion that our support of the punishment depended on the violation.  We shared many rules with the ex.  Tell us where you are going and with whom.  Be back by this time.  Finish your homework or chores before you even ask if you can go out.  But some things we did not share.  We decided that if a rule that we held was violated at the ex wife’s house, that we would uphold her punishment.  However, if it was something we disagreed with, we would not support it.  We expected the same from her.  She was not happy with our decision.  Every family has different rules.  Co-parenting while you are married brings up differences in parenting style.  It’s important when you are co-parenting through divorce to remember that it’s OK to overlap rules, as long as both parties agree.  But don’t expect to rule your ex’s house just because you agree on one or two points.  Work it out for your family and inform the ex what you are willing to do.  That way you keep your own house rules in tact but keep some consistency across the homes for your children.

Many states now require divorcing parents to take a class on co-parenting.  To some it may feel like overkill.  The divorce is bad enough but now parenting classes?  Take heart, now many Co-parenting Through Divorce classes are available on line.  It could be a valuable experience if you are willing to open your mind and heart to the skills the class is teaching. While the hurt and angry feelings of a divorce take time to heal, there are very simple things you can do to make the transition easier for you, but especially for your kids.

First and foremost, you have to understand that you and your spouse have issues with communication.  If you are divorcing, it should be obvious to you that you have problems talking to your spouse and resolving issues.  This does not disappear when you divorce, and it can be accentuated by the separation.  When my husband and his ex-wife got started, you’d think it was world war III, and they had been divorced for over 3 years! 

Some mediators suggest you adopt a no contact form of communication.  This means that you do not talk to your ex about anything involving the relationship, custody or the divorce.  Even when exchanging the kids, you do not engage in verbal communications about custody or the divorce.  This keeps the hurt and anger from being expressed inappropriately in front of your children.  Now, don’t take this too far, you should exchange pleasantries, and chit chat about your children.  Remember to be calm and courteous. School, sports and upcoming children’s events can be a safe place to start.

For all required interactions, try written communication such as email, letters, or texts.  This will give you time plan your words and review your feelings.  On paper you can maintain a courteous nature even though you might be feeling angry or hurt inside.  Also remember your ex is still your child’s parent and they deserve to be respected as the co-parent of your children.  This is so important because children look to you to model behavior.  They can read your anger and anxiety in your tone and body language, not just in your words. 

Emotional damage from parental conflict as been documented in children of all ages.  Do your best to minimize this damage by keeping the kids in the forefront of your mind.  It’s not about what is best for you or for your ex.  It’s about what is best for your children.  Remembering this will keep you on the right track in your dealings with your ex.