Consequences: Should They Apply at the Ex’s House?
April 18th, 2011 by theresa
Having a teenager can be challenging. Co-parenting a teen with your ex can be even more so. How do you deal with custody issues now that your child has an opinion? What about consequences? Should they carry over into your parenting partner’s home? What about punishments, should you enforce theirs in your home? Many parenting teen classes arm you with tools for creating a cooperative, responsible teen. But often they do not address the issues related to blended families.
My husband is divorced. I married not only him, but the kids and his ex-wife as well. We’ve been blessed with a wonderful set of kids, and added a few more to our side. Things were going really well until my step kids entered their teen years. The kids got busier and wanted to do things outside the family. It became harder to justify that they stay home with us when they wanted to sleep over at a friend’s house, or go to a school function. And we had to decide about curfews and rules for going out.
The problems began when my stepson started to act out. He rarely raised his voice in our home, but the ex-wife was having huge issues with him. And then it happened, the call I had been dreading. “He’s on restriction and you have to keep him home when he comes to your house!” I felt a bit miffed. We only saw the kids on 8 days in a month. Why should she tell us what to do? My husband was of the attitude that we ignore the request. I was inclined to agree, but what if it was our punishment. Would I expect the same courtesy from her? Would she give it? My husband and I had to discuss it more.
We came to the conclusion that our support of the punishment depended on the violation. We shared many rules with the ex. Tell us where you are going and with whom. Be back by this time. Finish your homework or chores before you even ask if you can go out. But some things we did not share. We decided that if a rule that we held was violated at the ex wife’s house, that we would uphold her punishment. However, if it was something we disagreed with, we would not support it. We expected the same from her. She was not happy with our decision. Every family has different rules. Co-parenting while you are married brings up differences in parenting style. It’s important when you are co-parenting through divorce to remember that it’s OK to overlap rules, as long as both parties agree. But don’t expect to rule your ex’s house just because you agree on one or two points. Work it out for your family and inform the ex what you are willing to do. That way you keep your own house rules in tact but keep some consistency across the homes for your children.